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a class

i am surrounded by people, so a tendency to compete creeps up throughout the class, and i am again and again returning to my own breathing, my own sweat, and my physical sensation. i am in eagle pose. it's hard, really really hard to keep up with this practice. i lift my elbows, i sink my hips. i smile at myself because i used to loathe this very pose. with practice, with years of practice, i can slip in and out of balance postures with grace. i have more control over my muscles and i hear where they are going, where they want to go, where i want them to go. i find a balance within the balance. through the flow i use my arm strength, and am aware that i should use more upper back strength as well. i need this. i need chaturanga, up dog, down dog, repeat. i need to flow through these things with grace, i love it, and it's so hard. my back tells me this: do this practice 1.5 hours a day, really? that often? i need to do that, get back into that like i used to. it's hard. we start off in child's pose, and i know what's coming: the guts and the glory. it's sort of strange how at the first few sun salutations are more like eye openers, and then as i open i am faced with just plain goodness. just the link of breath with movement. when i don't practice this practice i feel it. so it's worth it, it may take a minute to admit it but it's worth it. it may be freakin hard as hell...but i love it.

Savasana

My mom shared this with me after taking one of my yoga classes. I've been wanting to put the yoga experience into words like this for a long time! She's also written a book, which you can find here :)

---

Savasana

Before I opened the door I smelled the Pacholli. The incense filled the crisp night air causing me to wonder...
I took this as a good sign. I am blessed.
My daughter is my yoga instuctor and she is not a cynic.

I am stong and yet, my left leg shakes during the lunge...warrior pose i think.
To be a warrior I must breathe and stare at the outlet on the wall,
to look elsewhere is to lose my balance. Sometimes I can do it
other times I wobble and look very silly.

She works me hard and I can hardly stand it, stand up. Reach.
She asks me to reach and stretch and open up my fingers to the sky.
My left lung is damaged from my life, my path...
it hurts me deeply. I feel it thru and thru and thru,
this ouch in my chest and, of course, in my mind.
But I must reach up and look, see those fingers.

There is no condemnation to be found in this hardwood room;
candles illuminate softly, reminding
pressing into us that we too should not be hard on
ourselves. That we should illuminate our light.

She presses down into my stretch with her hands
a gentle force, she holds my head, my skull and pulls it away
streching the spine, releasing stress.
i like it and smile. i try not to smile. i should be serious i think, but i am not sure.

After the moves and poses and ballet of it all~ at times it feels like ballet, so graceful
i get to rest, lay on my mat and put into my mind nothing
or accept what is there. my intentions may be revisited. i have breathed into them
this evening and let them go
rather than rule...
savasana makes me weep
at her beauty and skill and soft words and stong hold
and my bad lungs.

Savasana fills my eyes with tears that run down my cheeks quietly
in the glow of candle.
and no one knows it. not even her.

Afterwards i tell her, embarressed and a little ashamed about the lung
and she hugs me, because that is what she is
my yoga teacher.

something to say

i used to live in west chester and now i live here again. danielle and i bought our first house and are all moved in and we love it. three floors, with finished basement, two full baths, two bedrooms, and lots of trees all around. every window you look out you see trees! bliss! i love feeling rooted and being able to drop my belongings in a room and now i can settle in at my own pace, enjoying the choices of where to put things, and then sitting in it knowing you're not rushed. no lease. no rent. money is being well spent. ahhhhh. so nice.

today we get fios cable, which i am excited about but also afraid of because i know i can get easily sucked in to watching....everything. but i am excited for fit tv, or whatever it's called, so i can do yoga on demand.

couch session

i'm into stuff like:
joseph arthur
meeting folks who teach yoga
3-legged downdog
turning the tv off and closing my eyes
hangin with two beautiful german sheperds until sunday
headstand 101 workshop this saturday
believing in my own power
hazlenut coffee
livin in a new house next weekend
teaching with my hands
opening throat chakra
laying down and taking care of myself
being in movement like all the time
remembering over and over again that this moment is a wonderful moment
trying accupuncture for back
chilly temps
no music in the car
taking a yoga class everyday of the week

last day

It's my last Saturday at the libary, and Tuesday will be my official Last Day. Feels good and right.

Looking over an old livejournal post, seems relevant to my current situation, my upcoming change, so I'll share here:
--
today it's kind of windy, i rather be in front of a tv drinking wine.i just sat in child's pose inside my cubicle on the floor. sometimes this happens in the emptiness of afternoons here, after people around have left, when there's less risk of being exposed. sometimes i realize i am there after the fact, when i am already in it. my body tells me what to do. i think most while drinking tea, green, after it's cooled a little. sat in a 2 hour meeting today to learn a new program. bullshit. i'll feel bad when i leave here but not that bad. i have my suspicions of others who are on their way out as well. some of us will leave, most will stay. most have stayed here. i looked around the room at this meeting earlier and realized how much i must stick out here. i already knew this, but i really do. sometimes i think i fit, but then there are moments when everyone might as well be pointing at me, i am so aloof. part of it is by choice, because i feel so different here. it's the job that isn't me. it's not their fault really. i just don't belong here. some things can not be explained. kevin left 2 bananas for me, he's taking off wed-fri. he will miss the 2nd part of the meeting, another 2 hours where they try to get us psyched up for this new computer program we need to learn. it is bullshit. i have a difficult time taking computers seriously, taking this company and the people i work for seriously. it's better if i leave because i'm not one of those people who are good at going through the motions no matter what. i need to feel something. almost 4. then off to pick up prescription and some fruit/veggies. i wish i knew how to grocery shop/cook. i never know what to make. i bought Children of Men, i want to watch that. it was so cool in the theater, but in the end the book wins. i'm not sure where i will go but i know it will be with Danielle, the person who knows me better than i know myself. it's scary to think i have to make myself who i want to be, but i'm excited to see who i will become. it always comes back to yoga, no matter what. to movement in general. maybe i hurt my back for a reason...i don't regret. i would not be in this body if it weren't for it, even though i curse it all the time because of pain. maybe i would choose to work in an office for the next however many years, but i know i can't do that. it's so unnatural to me..especially when i have the ability to do something i want to do, again it's scary because i have to make it happen, but it's not the kind of scary like thinking about the next 20 years sitting inside a cube...we will see.
--
That was from when I worked at Cadmus. Isn't it weird that in a few days I will no longer sit behind a desk for money? It always comes back to yoga, like I said over two years ago, and indeed it has...in a huge way. : )

i'm a yoga teacher

You can find me teaching some sweet yoga here:


ocean earth wind fire: www.oceanearthwindfire.com

Dhyana Yoga - Main Line location: http://www.dhyana-yoga.com/

Upper Main Line YMCA: www.umly.org


I also teach private or small group instruction - from beginner to advanced. All levels, all good. Contact me for more details :) Stay well.