Choice

I alluded to my want, (well need, really) to leave my current job to my mom. I mentioned that I hadn't really been able to see clearly until I experienced this, and was able to find out more about myself, and who I am not, before entering the next adventure in my life. She said to me:

Into every life a little rain must fall. Sometimes it's a flood. We move on to higher ground in those cases. Or stay and drown. Our choice.

Is this a quote from somewhere? Either way, it makes sense to me. I am a firm believer in choice and I do the best I can (sometimes I can do more...) to live my life that way. I feel that we choose to be happy at work. We choose our own paths, to a certain extent, and we can choose to change ourselves and our surroundings. To me, this is amazing and an important truth to return to when you are experiencing that dark time where you feel you can't escape. To know that you can alter that reality into something light, whether by your attitude or by changing the environment you are in entirely, is what's saving me at the moment.

You have to be open to anything, and I really try to do that. I choose to be open, instead of closing doors or denying a certain reality. If I deny something I dislike, how can I ever see to it that it changes? Or in truth, that I change myself to adapt, because I really can not control anything or anyone else. "In a dark time, the eye begins to see." - Theodore Roethke. I've written this previously, but it is actually the quote for today on my calender.

So when you know you don't belong somewhere, what do you do? I am making the choice to follow my heart, my truth, and move on, away from my current place of employment. I have a feeling that once I have made this choice, and decide to follow my truth (whatever that is, not quite sure yet) then life will begin to reveal itself to me. Whether I like it or not. Doesn't mean that I won't experience dark times again, but then I would have some practice with following my heart, and so my truth will come first instead of money, or someone's opinion of me, or whatever.

My dad has some major back issues as well, but he doesn't do any of the exercises me or my doctor told him to do. He's on medication for the pain, a bandaid that does more harm than good. I try to explain to him gently that he needs to do regular exercise - even when he is feeling well - in order to feel better. It's so easy (and I know this too well) to slack when we are feeling great physically. During this time, now out of habit, I remind myself of the pain that inevitably will come again, so that I can snap back to reality and just do it. Also now, out of habit and routine maybe, I've grown to love movement, and am in awe of how far I can take my body, and change it in the process.

Looking forward<3

l o s t

That show Lost is so confusing. It's like a bunch of magic tricks. Most of the characters are magicians I think...trying to confuse the sh*t out of you. I just started watching this season...so I am crazy, crazy confused. I'm going to watch the other seasons tho and get caught up b/c it's a pretty good magic show.

Will be in philly most of the w/e with Miss Nicki LaRue and her bf. A much needed visit from a good friend and her funny boy toy...can not wait.

Hopefully it will be warm soon so I can go camping.

Staying present

I have a Zen calender on my desk at work, from sister Sandy. Today's quote comes from Muso Kokushi:

When you walk, watch the walking, when you sit, watch the sitting, when you recline, watch the reclining, when you see and hear, watch the seeing and hearing, when you notice and cognize, watch the noticing and cognizing, when joyful, watch the joy, when angry, watch the anger.