Went to bed early last night. Actually, I came home from a massage, took a shower, and then laid down in my bathrobe. The bathrobe is rather soft and fluffy, and I ended up putting my eye mask on and not getting up. This was around 8:30 maybe. I had little energy, I was just so tired. I'm starving for more energy these days, I always feel like I need more. There might be a mixture of reasons why - stressed out about job, body is in pain, the job itself is dull, and it's taking every part of me to drag me to it. I feel stale at my job. Not myself, as if I am missing something. Like there is a another way to live...?
Of course there's another, better, way. And I'm looking forward to it. I know that I will leave this job, and be ok with it. I know that I need to leave because I need to be much more physical in my everyday life so that I can get better. It's not like once I get better, I'll be able to go back to a job like this. No, I doubt it will happen like that. For some reason, I have this issue with my back, and I want to get it better, which I feel is a lifelong journery. My life needs to change in order for me to feel better.
I am sooo emotional anymore because of this. I feel helpless and frustrated because of chronic pain. And then you have this:
"This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet." Rumi
A few words put together that make me believe in another way to live. I kind of realized recently that I need to love myself first, no matter what it takes, and do whatever it takes. It's not selfish. It's putting my best self forward, and finding out how to do so first before I fall down again into another job, or any choice, that I feel I am "stuck" in. "To take a step without feet." To move forward with a smile on my face and then see what happens. See what my choices become in that case.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
where i really am when i am working
Or i should say "working." It's come to this: I want to change jobs. I've often come back to a line that's become very familiar to me: I am change. How this applies to my life, I'm never sure. I think it applies to my true Self, which is just fine with me. Change makes sense. Change is reality. Change is light to the touch, and allows for plenty of breathing room. I came across this the other day and found it applicable:
"Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart." Jalal ad-Din Rumi
A part of me screams, I hope this is not a life-long search, this job thing. I always thought that I'd be a part of something big, important, maybe even special. But I was never sure what. At first I thought it would be music, either performing it or teaching it, even both. Music continues to be a love of mine and will always affect me, but I'm not making money from it. Then I majored in Literature in college and got the degree and everything - mind you, the ENTIRE time I had no idea what I was going to do for money after college ended, and the truth is that it didn't matter to me. I was learning what I needed to learn, and what I wanted to. Things that had always been a part of me were allowed to surface in the safe environment called University. The Classroom. Surrounded by diversity and friends and windy country roads to find myself on, I wasn't particularly worried about the days ahead. And really, that worry was never taught to me, it just came so naturally after I left college. I think my parents helped with it, and relatives, and former classmates from way back, when everyone's attention shifted toward MY getting a job ASAP. You have a degree? What are you doing now? WHAT WILL YOU DO?
What would you like me to do? This, I should have asked. But I expressed worry instead, and burried my building humiliation - at present, I think this could have been avoided. We, as in people, have a way of making others uncomfortable in their own skin in order to build ourselves up. Had I surrounded myself with different people, or even changed my location and said hell with it, maybe things would have been...happier. Notice I did not say easier. Maybe a time limit would not have been set on my part. Who knows. I can not place any responsibility, though, on anyone but myself. I've learned. I am learning. The happiness button is already on...deep inside me. It is our natural state. It took me a long time to wake up to this phenomenon (that's not actually a phenomenon, but is to me especially because I've always tended to lean toward the darker, more depressed side that I now know was a deep, self-inflicted and unnecessary state).
So this whole thing with "Getting The Job" - what is that? And why are we so obsessed with WORKING? I'm using my degree at my current job. But I use my degree more in my daily life, because it's what I am naturally interested in. I could probably use it more if I had more time to read up on the things I've denied since college, thanks to my full-time position where I "use my degree."
I know I will change. I'll change jobs. I'll grow up more. But my true Self is forever and it is unchanged. This theory leads us to believe that, with our eye on our true Selves, we should then be OK in every situation, because the Truth can not be shaken. I like this. In fact, I really, really like this. It's a daily practice, an ongoing awareness of who I am. My job is how I'll make money - big deal. This will change many times throughout my life, I would imagine. This is OK, or at least I think it is. I'm not one to hold a job for 35 years and then retire. I might do that, you never know, but I doubt it. And then we have our mind - this too will always, always change. Through my yoga practice, I locate the Truth....myself. It's here that I can stay with it, find the inner smile, and go with it. If I have pain, I know it's OK because it is temporary - this is the only practice that allows for accepting pain, because the body is temporary. Again, we have the Self. The in it for the long run attitude. The smile that is already there. A permanent adoration. A strength already in existence. The Self will always hug the Self.
I never knew this! I always thought that someone had to make me happy. What a waste of time. But, like I say, I've learned from it, and I'm still breathing. Maybe I'll talk about that next time - breathing.
Namaste.
"Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart." Jalal ad-Din Rumi
A part of me screams, I hope this is not a life-long search, this job thing. I always thought that I'd be a part of something big, important, maybe even special. But I was never sure what. At first I thought it would be music, either performing it or teaching it, even both. Music continues to be a love of mine and will always affect me, but I'm not making money from it. Then I majored in Literature in college and got the degree and everything - mind you, the ENTIRE time I had no idea what I was going to do for money after college ended, and the truth is that it didn't matter to me. I was learning what I needed to learn, and what I wanted to. Things that had always been a part of me were allowed to surface in the safe environment called University. The Classroom. Surrounded by diversity and friends and windy country roads to find myself on, I wasn't particularly worried about the days ahead. And really, that worry was never taught to me, it just came so naturally after I left college. I think my parents helped with it, and relatives, and former classmates from way back, when everyone's attention shifted toward MY getting a job ASAP. You have a degree? What are you doing now? WHAT WILL YOU DO?
What would you like me to do? This, I should have asked. But I expressed worry instead, and burried my building humiliation - at present, I think this could have been avoided. We, as in people, have a way of making others uncomfortable in their own skin in order to build ourselves up. Had I surrounded myself with different people, or even changed my location and said hell with it, maybe things would have been...happier. Notice I did not say easier. Maybe a time limit would not have been set on my part. Who knows. I can not place any responsibility, though, on anyone but myself. I've learned. I am learning. The happiness button is already on...deep inside me. It is our natural state. It took me a long time to wake up to this phenomenon (that's not actually a phenomenon, but is to me especially because I've always tended to lean toward the darker, more depressed side that I now know was a deep, self-inflicted and unnecessary state).
So this whole thing with "Getting The Job" - what is that? And why are we so obsessed with WORKING? I'm using my degree at my current job. But I use my degree more in my daily life, because it's what I am naturally interested in. I could probably use it more if I had more time to read up on the things I've denied since college, thanks to my full-time position where I "use my degree."
I know I will change. I'll change jobs. I'll grow up more. But my true Self is forever and it is unchanged. This theory leads us to believe that, with our eye on our true Selves, we should then be OK in every situation, because the Truth can not be shaken. I like this. In fact, I really, really like this. It's a daily practice, an ongoing awareness of who I am. My job is how I'll make money - big deal. This will change many times throughout my life, I would imagine. This is OK, or at least I think it is. I'm not one to hold a job for 35 years and then retire. I might do that, you never know, but I doubt it. And then we have our mind - this too will always, always change. Through my yoga practice, I locate the Truth....myself. It's here that I can stay with it, find the inner smile, and go with it. If I have pain, I know it's OK because it is temporary - this is the only practice that allows for accepting pain, because the body is temporary. Again, we have the Self. The in it for the long run attitude. The smile that is already there. A permanent adoration. A strength already in existence. The Self will always hug the Self.
I never knew this! I always thought that someone had to make me happy. What a waste of time. But, like I say, I've learned from it, and I'm still breathing. Maybe I'll talk about that next time - breathing.
Namaste.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
test test
this is my first entry. hum.
i'll work today on things and try to make sense of why i'm here. i am going to jim's yoga class tonight, haven't been there in a while. this morning i did the neti pot and i feel as if i just swam now, a usual feeling afterward, and i don't have the need to blow my nose.
i'm not yet sure if this blog will have a theme. i was going to write about my experiences as a yoga teacher, but now the place i work at is closing. or, i was thinking about recording my journey with my back, both pains and triumphs, and how my life is affected. or, perhaps, something else.
or everything.
i'll work today on things and try to make sense of why i'm here. i am going to jim's yoga class tonight, haven't been there in a while. this morning i did the neti pot and i feel as if i just swam now, a usual feeling afterward, and i don't have the need to blow my nose.
i'm not yet sure if this blog will have a theme. i was going to write about my experiences as a yoga teacher, but now the place i work at is closing. or, i was thinking about recording my journey with my back, both pains and triumphs, and how my life is affected. or, perhaps, something else.
or everything.
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