the right word every time

i quit my job. it's time for a vacation and some sun on my face. i got a job part-time and i'm looking for other work too. i can't wait to actually feel ok on a regular basis. can not wait.

Choice

I alluded to my want, (well need, really) to leave my current job to my mom. I mentioned that I hadn't really been able to see clearly until I experienced this, and was able to find out more about myself, and who I am not, before entering the next adventure in my life. She said to me:

Into every life a little rain must fall. Sometimes it's a flood. We move on to higher ground in those cases. Or stay and drown. Our choice.

Is this a quote from somewhere? Either way, it makes sense to me. I am a firm believer in choice and I do the best I can (sometimes I can do more...) to live my life that way. I feel that we choose to be happy at work. We choose our own paths, to a certain extent, and we can choose to change ourselves and our surroundings. To me, this is amazing and an important truth to return to when you are experiencing that dark time where you feel you can't escape. To know that you can alter that reality into something light, whether by your attitude or by changing the environment you are in entirely, is what's saving me at the moment.

You have to be open to anything, and I really try to do that. I choose to be open, instead of closing doors or denying a certain reality. If I deny something I dislike, how can I ever see to it that it changes? Or in truth, that I change myself to adapt, because I really can not control anything or anyone else. "In a dark time, the eye begins to see." - Theodore Roethke. I've written this previously, but it is actually the quote for today on my calender.

So when you know you don't belong somewhere, what do you do? I am making the choice to follow my heart, my truth, and move on, away from my current place of employment. I have a feeling that once I have made this choice, and decide to follow my truth (whatever that is, not quite sure yet) then life will begin to reveal itself to me. Whether I like it or not. Doesn't mean that I won't experience dark times again, but then I would have some practice with following my heart, and so my truth will come first instead of money, or someone's opinion of me, or whatever.

My dad has some major back issues as well, but he doesn't do any of the exercises me or my doctor told him to do. He's on medication for the pain, a bandaid that does more harm than good. I try to explain to him gently that he needs to do regular exercise - even when he is feeling well - in order to feel better. It's so easy (and I know this too well) to slack when we are feeling great physically. During this time, now out of habit, I remind myself of the pain that inevitably will come again, so that I can snap back to reality and just do it. Also now, out of habit and routine maybe, I've grown to love movement, and am in awe of how far I can take my body, and change it in the process.

Looking forward<3

l o s t

That show Lost is so confusing. It's like a bunch of magic tricks. Most of the characters are magicians I think...trying to confuse the sh*t out of you. I just started watching this season...so I am crazy, crazy confused. I'm going to watch the other seasons tho and get caught up b/c it's a pretty good magic show.

Will be in philly most of the w/e with Miss Nicki LaRue and her bf. A much needed visit from a good friend and her funny boy toy...can not wait.

Hopefully it will be warm soon so I can go camping.

Staying present

I have a Zen calender on my desk at work, from sister Sandy. Today's quote comes from Muso Kokushi:

When you walk, watch the walking, when you sit, watch the sitting, when you recline, watch the reclining, when you see and hear, watch the seeing and hearing, when you notice and cognize, watch the noticing and cognizing, when joyful, watch the joy, when angry, watch the anger.

mixed up morning

Went to bed early last night. Actually, I came home from a massage, took a shower, and then laid down in my bathrobe. The bathrobe is rather soft and fluffy, and I ended up putting my eye mask on and not getting up. This was around 8:30 maybe. I had little energy, I was just so tired. I'm starving for more energy these days, I always feel like I need more. There might be a mixture of reasons why - stressed out about job, body is in pain, the job itself is dull, and it's taking every part of me to drag me to it. I feel stale at my job. Not myself, as if I am missing something. Like there is a another way to live...?

Of course there's another, better, way. And I'm looking forward to it. I know that I will leave this job, and be ok with it. I know that I need to leave because I need to be much more physical in my everyday life so that I can get better. It's not like once I get better, I'll be able to go back to a job like this. No, I doubt it will happen like that. For some reason, I have this issue with my back, and I want to get it better, which I feel is a lifelong journery. My life needs to change in order for me to feel better.

I am sooo emotional anymore because of this. I feel helpless and frustrated because of chronic pain. And then you have this:

"This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet." Rumi

A few words put together that make me believe in another way to live. I kind of realized recently that I need to love myself first, no matter what it takes, and do whatever it takes. It's not selfish. It's putting my best self forward, and finding out how to do so first before I fall down again into another job, or any choice, that I feel I am "stuck" in. "To take a step without feet." To move forward with a smile on my face and then see what happens. See what my choices become in that case.

where i really am when i am working

Or i should say "working." It's come to this: I want to change jobs. I've often come back to a line that's become very familiar to me: I am change. How this applies to my life, I'm never sure. I think it applies to my true Self, which is just fine with me. Change makes sense. Change is reality. Change is light to the touch, and allows for plenty of breathing room. I came across this the other day and found it applicable:

"Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart." Jalal ad-Din Rumi

A part of me screams, I hope this is not a life-long search, this job thing. I always thought that I'd be a part of something big, important, maybe even special. But I was never sure what. At first I thought it would be music, either performing it or teaching it, even both. Music continues to be a love of mine and will always affect me, but I'm not making money from it. Then I majored in Literature in college and got the degree and everything - mind you, the ENTIRE time I had no idea what I was going to do for money after college ended, and the truth is that it didn't matter to me. I was learning what I needed to learn, and what I wanted to. Things that had always been a part of me were allowed to surface in the safe environment called University. The Classroom. Surrounded by diversity and friends and windy country roads to find myself on, I wasn't particularly worried about the days ahead. And really, that worry was never taught to me, it just came so naturally after I left college. I think my parents helped with it, and relatives, and former classmates from way back, when everyone's attention shifted toward MY getting a job ASAP. You have a degree? What are you doing now? WHAT WILL YOU DO?

What would you like me to do? This, I should have asked. But I expressed worry instead, and burried my building humiliation - at present, I think this could have been avoided. We, as in people, have a way of making others uncomfortable in their own skin in order to build ourselves up. Had I surrounded myself with different people, or even changed my location and said hell with it, maybe things would have been...happier. Notice I did not say easier. Maybe a time limit would not have been set on my part. Who knows. I can not place any responsibility, though, on anyone but myself. I've learned. I am learning. The happiness button is already on...deep inside me. It is our natural state. It took me a long time to wake up to this phenomenon (that's not actually a phenomenon, but is to me especially because I've always tended to lean toward the darker, more depressed side that I now know was a deep, self-inflicted and unnecessary state).

So this whole thing with "Getting The Job" - what is that? And why are we so obsessed with WORKING? I'm using my degree at my current job. But I use my degree more in my daily life, because it's what I am naturally interested in. I could probably use it more if I had more time to read up on the things I've denied since college, thanks to my full-time position where I "use my degree."

I know I will change. I'll change jobs. I'll grow up more. But my true Self is forever and it is unchanged. This theory leads us to believe that, with our eye on our true Selves, we should then be OK in every situation, because the Truth can not be shaken. I like this. In fact, I really, really like this. It's a daily practice, an ongoing awareness of who I am. My job is how I'll make money - big deal. This will change many times throughout my life, I would imagine. This is OK, or at least I think it is. I'm not one to hold a job for 35 years and then retire. I might do that, you never know, but I doubt it. And then we have our mind - this too will always, always change. Through my yoga practice, I locate the Truth....myself. It's here that I can stay with it, find the inner smile, and go with it. If I have pain, I know it's OK because it is temporary - this is the only practice that allows for accepting pain, because the body is temporary. Again, we have the Self. The in it for the long run attitude. The smile that is already there. A permanent adoration. A strength already in existence. The Self will always hug the Self.

I never knew this! I always thought that someone had to make me happy. What a waste of time. But, like I say, I've learned from it, and I'm still breathing. Maybe I'll talk about that next time - breathing.

Namaste.

test test

this is my first entry. hum.

i'll work today on things and try to make sense of why i'm here. i am going to jim's yoga class tonight, haven't been there in a while. this morning i did the neti pot and i feel as if i just swam now, a usual feeling afterward, and i don't have the need to blow my nose.

i'm not yet sure if this blog will have a theme. i was going to write about my experiences as a yoga teacher, but now the place i work at is closing. or, i was thinking about recording my journey with my back, both pains and triumphs, and how my life is affected. or, perhaps, something else.

or everything.