Sunday, April 19, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
spring things
Spring's coming! I will go outside more with Turtle, explore Valley Forge Park and other nature destinations. I'm thinking a lot lately how wide open spaces soothe me. I thought that I adored city life, and I still do enjoy it, but I'm contemplating where I want to settle down. I am tired of moving. Danielle and I are also growing out of the Main Line. I wouldn't mind still working here, but going home to something...else. Where will we live?
We could always keep renting of course. But...yeah. Something inside me is telling me that we should purchase. I've always wanted Lancaster City, but maybe that is just a place I love to visit. A little getaway.
I realize that I am forever at home in my body, a neverending journey, a pilgrimage, in itself. When I remind myself of this awesome awareness, I know that no matter where I am situated on this Earth I am already at home. Maybe this is why I am in the mood lately to find a place to settle down, because really all we need is a place to house our selves, or our "homes." I want a space where I can feel safe to stay and paint the walls and flourish and grow in. It might be nice to feel rooted somewhere.
We could always keep renting of course. But...yeah. Something inside me is telling me that we should purchase. I've always wanted Lancaster City, but maybe that is just a place I love to visit. A little getaway.
I realize that I am forever at home in my body, a neverending journey, a pilgrimage, in itself. When I remind myself of this awesome awareness, I know that no matter where I am situated on this Earth I am already at home. Maybe this is why I am in the mood lately to find a place to settle down, because really all we need is a place to house our selves, or our "homes." I want a space where I can feel safe to stay and paint the walls and flourish and grow in. It might be nice to feel rooted somewhere.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
body scan
If the dream says something is wrong with your body, check.
Long before you do, your body knows when something is wrong.
-Marion Woodman
This makes sense to me. I used to just go through the motions in a day, tell my body what to do, never take care of it, poison it. Now, if I poison it say with unhealthy foods, I feel it, notice it. I learn my lesson (well, sometimes). Before I would get angry at somebody or even the food itself for "making" me feel this way. As if I was forced to drink in excess or eat like crap, etc.
For years I denied I had a back problem. I mean, I knew I had some issues, but I didn't want to take responsibility meaning I didn't do any kind of exercise to help relieve pain. I told myself that there was nothing I could do. I took the oh poor me way out (typical) and used it as an excuse to feel sorry for myself, and to numb pain with alcohol.
It was after I tried pilates and some yoga that I started to sort of begin to tap into my inner strength. My body began to change. I felt and looked different. I discovered a way to help myself. And I soon realized that at my fingertips was now a huge responsibility to continue this practice of helping myself, and essentially loving and accepting where I'm at regardless of whatever the hell is going on with my back.
This task became a journey of true body awareness. And in the process the built up emotions spilled out of my guts and, through yoga, I was encouraged to feel my feelings as opposed to numbing them like before. Um, what? That's too big. Too much. We're encouraged to get multiple things done at once, and the more we take on the more people think we are powerful and responsible. We are then considered to be multi-talented when we can get all kinds of things done in a short time. We can't sit down for lunch with a friend because we have to pick up our kid so we "grab" food on the way. That's responsible of us, right? That's us being wise and savvy with our time. Right?
And then we have our inner wisdom, our inner truth, and when we aren't anywhere close to listening to that truest part of ourselves, our body will probably tell us. This "alert" that our body sends out may be in the form of muscle tension, headache, and even serious illness. It's our body's way of saying, "Um, hello? I need a nap, lady. Why are you drinking coffee again? I want to rest in child's pose."
I was listening to Dan Gottlieb on WHYY who had some Temple students talking about the pressures they experienced in high school as girls. One girl mentioned that she's most comfortable keeping herself busy, whether it be through school, work, socially, etc. Shortly after, I was not surprised to hear Dr. Gottlieb weighing in on just that - how sad he was to hear this coming from a young woman, or from anyone, because she's not alone in her feelings. How people associate downtime with laziness. He mentioned how he makes time for and cherishes moments of space and distance from external influences, where he can actually sit with himself. Doing this, through yoga or meditation, is scary because we are sitting with our feelings and emotions, something we all have some aversion to. We all feel this way, and it's only when we acknowledge that we feel this way, and still proceed in the process, that we begin a shift in awareness. Maybe our priorities begin to change, maybe we surround ourself with new faces, maybe we take some time in the morning to do absolutely nothing, just you with yourself, before we go out into the world.
For me, I've got to keep reminding myself that I'm allowed to slow down. I'm sure it's like this for a lot of people. I've got to keep practicing yoga even when my body feels ok (it took me a while to take this seriously). Yes, it is a choice on my part to take an active role in my body's healing, but along the way I noticed how much I've moved away from my inner child, or truest self, that wants so badly to be more free - away from flying cars on route 30, shouting matches, and ugly negative self talk. So I do my best to be responsible for that child's happiness, my own bliss, when I sit back and just chill in child's pose for, say, oh as long as I like.
Long before you do, your body knows when something is wrong.
-Marion Woodman
This makes sense to me. I used to just go through the motions in a day, tell my body what to do, never take care of it, poison it. Now, if I poison it say with unhealthy foods, I feel it, notice it. I learn my lesson (well, sometimes). Before I would get angry at somebody or even the food itself for "making" me feel this way. As if I was forced to drink in excess or eat like crap, etc.
For years I denied I had a back problem. I mean, I knew I had some issues, but I didn't want to take responsibility meaning I didn't do any kind of exercise to help relieve pain. I told myself that there was nothing I could do. I took the oh poor me way out (typical) and used it as an excuse to feel sorry for myself, and to numb pain with alcohol.
It was after I tried pilates and some yoga that I started to sort of begin to tap into my inner strength. My body began to change. I felt and looked different. I discovered a way to help myself. And I soon realized that at my fingertips was now a huge responsibility to continue this practice of helping myself, and essentially loving and accepting where I'm at regardless of whatever the hell is going on with my back.
This task became a journey of true body awareness. And in the process the built up emotions spilled out of my guts and, through yoga, I was encouraged to feel my feelings as opposed to numbing them like before. Um, what? That's too big. Too much. We're encouraged to get multiple things done at once, and the more we take on the more people think we are powerful and responsible. We are then considered to be multi-talented when we can get all kinds of things done in a short time. We can't sit down for lunch with a friend because we have to pick up our kid so we "grab" food on the way. That's responsible of us, right? That's us being wise and savvy with our time. Right?
And then we have our inner wisdom, our inner truth, and when we aren't anywhere close to listening to that truest part of ourselves, our body will probably tell us. This "alert" that our body sends out may be in the form of muscle tension, headache, and even serious illness. It's our body's way of saying, "Um, hello? I need a nap, lady. Why are you drinking coffee again? I want to rest in child's pose."
I was listening to Dan Gottlieb on WHYY who had some Temple students talking about the pressures they experienced in high school as girls. One girl mentioned that she's most comfortable keeping herself busy, whether it be through school, work, socially, etc. Shortly after, I was not surprised to hear Dr. Gottlieb weighing in on just that - how sad he was to hear this coming from a young woman, or from anyone, because she's not alone in her feelings. How people associate downtime with laziness. He mentioned how he makes time for and cherishes moments of space and distance from external influences, where he can actually sit with himself. Doing this, through yoga or meditation, is scary because we are sitting with our feelings and emotions, something we all have some aversion to. We all feel this way, and it's only when we acknowledge that we feel this way, and still proceed in the process, that we begin a shift in awareness. Maybe our priorities begin to change, maybe we surround ourself with new faces, maybe we take some time in the morning to do absolutely nothing, just you with yourself, before we go out into the world.
For me, I've got to keep reminding myself that I'm allowed to slow down. I'm sure it's like this for a lot of people. I've got to keep practicing yoga even when my body feels ok (it took me a while to take this seriously). Yes, it is a choice on my part to take an active role in my body's healing, but along the way I noticed how much I've moved away from my inner child, or truest self, that wants so badly to be more free - away from flying cars on route 30, shouting matches, and ugly negative self talk. So I do my best to be responsible for that child's happiness, my own bliss, when I sit back and just chill in child's pose for, say, oh as long as I like.
Monday, March 30, 2009
web site news
I am super blessed. Danielle is in the process of creating my web site, www.innerchildyoga.com
So, it's up but it's "coming soon." Excitement!
I'll describe the inner child stuff on the site, and my yoga info, what I'm up to, my hopes my fears....you get it.
Let ya'll know when it's out and about.
So, it's up but it's "coming soon." Excitement!
I'll describe the inner child stuff on the site, and my yoga info, what I'm up to, my hopes my fears....you get it.
Let ya'll know when it's out and about.
monday with regis and kelly
ok, i'll admit. i watch regis and kelly every chance i get. it goes well with breakfast. it brings a smile to my face. i mostly watch for kelly who i think is quick, funny, and just adorable. she's fit and spunky and, not only is she beautiful, she can be so weird and quirky too. a perfect combo.
i hope ellen's made it to her new Sicily apartment safely. she's probably nervous but excited at the same time. i give her loads of credit...not sure i could ever make a trip like that by myself. or maybe i just don't have that desire in me right now to travel. traveling is tricky with my back. i was even nervous about the cruise over christmas - when will i be able to do yoga? will i have to sit down a lot? yada yada yada... but that trip worked out because there was a gym on the ship that i visited each day. when i think of traveling i get nervous about being on the plane for long periods, sitting down too much on the trip itself, having no time for yoga, etc. i know this is just a lot of anxiety and created fear on my part, and that i could make time for yoga, but i still get scared. i am so accustomed to anticipating when i will feel pain again and so i guess i am just forever focusing on how i can prevent that.
sure is windy out today.
i hope ellen's made it to her new Sicily apartment safely. she's probably nervous but excited at the same time. i give her loads of credit...not sure i could ever make a trip like that by myself. or maybe i just don't have that desire in me right now to travel. traveling is tricky with my back. i was even nervous about the cruise over christmas - when will i be able to do yoga? will i have to sit down a lot? yada yada yada... but that trip worked out because there was a gym on the ship that i visited each day. when i think of traveling i get nervous about being on the plane for long periods, sitting down too much on the trip itself, having no time for yoga, etc. i know this is just a lot of anxiety and created fear on my part, and that i could make time for yoga, but i still get scared. i am so accustomed to anticipating when i will feel pain again and so i guess i am just forever focusing on how i can prevent that.
sure is windy out today.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
a year later...
so i'm updating this...just about a year later. yay! i'm back. back in the blog scene. as if i was ever in the blog scene? i had, what like 4 entries? anyway, here i am.
the last time i was here i was sitting at Wyeth, probably, and thanking the heavens that i had gotten the guts to quit that damn job. i had to do what was right for me, despite what everyone thought, or what i thought everyone thought. and that was a year ago. i guess i've been busy. i guess i got a life? maybe i just found some peace and happiness.
still living large on the infamous Main Line. ok, not so large. Danielle and i are now in Berwyn, which is cool for now. not many young faces around here that's for sure. just trying to seek that out when we can. but i've really become such a homebody anymore. i enjoy staying in with Turtle and reading and doing yoga. it's just...my thing. i don't drink anymore so i got loads of time. my options are endless. it's pretty refreshing actually.
spring is near and Turtle and i will be hitting up Valley Forge Park again on a regular basis. that is one thing i like about this area...a nice little getaway. i haven't even seen half that park. just been to bits and pieces of it. i want to explore more. Danielle and i are going to join the Chester County Hiking Club! the last (and perhaps only) "real" hike i did was Mount Washington. WOW. i thought i was ready. i had just started practicing pilates and running. yeah, i thought i was ready. yeah right. so the very nice thing about this club is that you have varying degrees of difficulty...even mostly flat terrain. sounds good to me.
i'm teaching yoga a few times a week and loving every second of it. it's become something i can grow into and grow with...it's amazing how teaching compliments my own journey in yoga. i love that. i'm looking forward to growing more with teaching.
so i've been interested in inner child stuff for a while, since my therapist gave me photo copies out of the book, Recovery of Your Inner Child. the little that i read rang true for me. i wrote with my non-dominant hand. yep, something's there. a voice who was neglected years ago. imagine that? we're all wounded in some way from our past. i am still in the beginning stages of my research and just beginning to dive into several books, but i've already learned that the goal is not to engage in any sort of blame game. do not blame others for what they "did" to you. instead, understand that they too were influenced and affected somehow by their own past and circumstances. it goes beyond this, but that's just a brief observation. the inner child work you engage in is instead focused on your healing. it helps you locate the inner child or children, and then learn to have your adult self care and provide for him or her. to help the inner child feel safe, embraced, and at home. most of all, i think, to feel heard.
i'm reading The Inner Child Workbook: What to do when your past just won't go away, by Cathryn L. Taylor. (yay, Cathryn with a C!) she lays it out pretty simply. and it is what it says: it's a workbook, so it's laid out for you step by step, so you truly feel supported along the way. she doesn't miss a beat either. i've only read the preface, the intro, and chapter 1, and i feel i've gotten a pretty darn good overview for what's ahead. i'm just now about to start on the "work" part of it. i've gotten it ouf of the library though, so i think i will purchase from Amazon because she's got it so you can write in the book itself. this will not be a short journey, either. she's got you journaling on the side as well, even collaging within that journal. hm. all the things i've been avoiding. what am i thinking?
i'm thinking that this inner child stuff spoke to me since day one. my guess is there's a reason, a deeper understanding behind that that is waiting to be uprooted and sprung to life. i'm thinking it's about time i start loving myself and understanding myself and looking back at some dirty inner child dishes is probably a good place to start. i've been wanting to understand some of my current behaviors for a long time and this inner child stuff speaks volumes to me in regards to diving into the process of that understanding, and i just started.
plus, i am loving that i have something to "research." i am a dork. i majored in English in college. that's not exactly for everyone. i loved the library and searches on the computer and all those nerd databases. i enjoyed brainstorming for my next paper topic. what the hell, i enjoyed writing the paper too. so now that my inner child (or children, possibly) are calling for my attention, i've got this new focus for research and for writing. it's nice.
so...other than that? in the past year i've...
become certified to teach the yoga
didn't leave the ML yet
cut my hair short again
stopped drinking
moved from Devon to Berwyn..oooh ahhhh, i know
became best friends with Turtle (our dog)
discovered LisaNova on YouTube
found balance in my life
tea time!
the last time i was here i was sitting at Wyeth, probably, and thanking the heavens that i had gotten the guts to quit that damn job. i had to do what was right for me, despite what everyone thought, or what i thought everyone thought. and that was a year ago. i guess i've been busy. i guess i got a life? maybe i just found some peace and happiness.
still living large on the infamous Main Line. ok, not so large. Danielle and i are now in Berwyn, which is cool for now. not many young faces around here that's for sure. just trying to seek that out when we can. but i've really become such a homebody anymore. i enjoy staying in with Turtle and reading and doing yoga. it's just...my thing. i don't drink anymore so i got loads of time. my options are endless. it's pretty refreshing actually.
spring is near and Turtle and i will be hitting up Valley Forge Park again on a regular basis. that is one thing i like about this area...a nice little getaway. i haven't even seen half that park. just been to bits and pieces of it. i want to explore more. Danielle and i are going to join the Chester County Hiking Club! the last (and perhaps only) "real" hike i did was Mount Washington. WOW. i thought i was ready. i had just started practicing pilates and running. yeah, i thought i was ready. yeah right. so the very nice thing about this club is that you have varying degrees of difficulty...even mostly flat terrain. sounds good to me.
i'm teaching yoga a few times a week and loving every second of it. it's become something i can grow into and grow with...it's amazing how teaching compliments my own journey in yoga. i love that. i'm looking forward to growing more with teaching.
so i've been interested in inner child stuff for a while, since my therapist gave me photo copies out of the book, Recovery of Your Inner Child. the little that i read rang true for me. i wrote with my non-dominant hand. yep, something's there. a voice who was neglected years ago. imagine that? we're all wounded in some way from our past. i am still in the beginning stages of my research and just beginning to dive into several books, but i've already learned that the goal is not to engage in any sort of blame game. do not blame others for what they "did" to you. instead, understand that they too were influenced and affected somehow by their own past and circumstances. it goes beyond this, but that's just a brief observation. the inner child work you engage in is instead focused on your healing. it helps you locate the inner child or children, and then learn to have your adult self care and provide for him or her. to help the inner child feel safe, embraced, and at home. most of all, i think, to feel heard.
i'm reading The Inner Child Workbook: What to do when your past just won't go away, by Cathryn L. Taylor. (yay, Cathryn with a C!) she lays it out pretty simply. and it is what it says: it's a workbook, so it's laid out for you step by step, so you truly feel supported along the way. she doesn't miss a beat either. i've only read the preface, the intro, and chapter 1, and i feel i've gotten a pretty darn good overview for what's ahead. i'm just now about to start on the "work" part of it. i've gotten it ouf of the library though, so i think i will purchase from Amazon because she's got it so you can write in the book itself. this will not be a short journey, either. she's got you journaling on the side as well, even collaging within that journal. hm. all the things i've been avoiding. what am i thinking?
i'm thinking that this inner child stuff spoke to me since day one. my guess is there's a reason, a deeper understanding behind that that is waiting to be uprooted and sprung to life. i'm thinking it's about time i start loving myself and understanding myself and looking back at some dirty inner child dishes is probably a good place to start. i've been wanting to understand some of my current behaviors for a long time and this inner child stuff speaks volumes to me in regards to diving into the process of that understanding, and i just started.
plus, i am loving that i have something to "research." i am a dork. i majored in English in college. that's not exactly for everyone. i loved the library and searches on the computer and all those nerd databases. i enjoyed brainstorming for my next paper topic. what the hell, i enjoyed writing the paper too. so now that my inner child (or children, possibly) are calling for my attention, i've got this new focus for research and for writing. it's nice.
so...other than that? in the past year i've...
become certified to teach the yoga
didn't leave the ML yet
cut my hair short again
stopped drinking
moved from Devon to Berwyn..oooh ahhhh, i know
became best friends with Turtle (our dog)
discovered LisaNova on YouTube
found balance in my life
tea time!
Thursday, April 3, 2008
the right word every time
i quit my job. it's time for a vacation and some sun on my face. i got a job part-time and i'm looking for other work too. i can't wait to actually feel ok on a regular basis. can not wait.
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