body scan

If the dream says something is wrong with your body, check.

Long before you do, your body knows when something is wrong.

-Marion Woodman

This makes sense to me. I used to just go through the motions in a day, tell my body what to do, never take care of it, poison it. Now, if I poison it say with unhealthy foods, I feel it, notice it. I learn my lesson (well, sometimes). Before I would get angry at somebody or even the food itself for "making" me feel this way. As if I was forced to drink in excess or eat like crap, etc.

For years I denied I had a back problem. I mean, I knew I had some issues, but I didn't want to take responsibility meaning I didn't do any kind of exercise to help relieve pain. I told myself that there was nothing I could do. I took the oh poor me way out (typical) and used it as an excuse to feel sorry for myself, and to numb pain with alcohol.

It was after I tried pilates and some yoga that I started to sort of begin to tap into my inner strength. My body began to change. I felt and looked different. I discovered a way to help myself. And I soon realized that at my fingertips was now a huge responsibility to continue this practice of helping myself, and essentially loving and accepting where I'm at regardless of whatever the hell is going on with my back.

This task became a journey of true body awareness. And in the process the built up emotions spilled out of my guts and, through yoga, I was encouraged to feel my feelings as opposed to numbing them like before. Um, what? That's too big. Too much. We're encouraged to get multiple things done at once, and the more we take on the more people think we are powerful and responsible. We are then considered to be multi-talented when we can get all kinds of things done in a short time. We can't sit down for lunch with a friend because we have to pick up our kid so we "grab" food on the way. That's responsible of us, right? That's us being wise and savvy with our time. Right?

And then we have our inner wisdom, our inner truth, and when we aren't anywhere close to listening to that truest part of ourselves, our body will probably tell us. This "alert" that our body sends out may be in the form of muscle tension, headache, and even serious illness. It's our body's way of saying, "Um, hello? I need a nap, lady. Why are you drinking coffee again? I want to rest in child's pose."

I was listening to Dan Gottlieb on WHYY who had some Temple students talking about the pressures they experienced in high school as girls. One girl mentioned that she's most comfortable keeping herself busy, whether it be through school, work, socially, etc. Shortly after, I was not surprised to hear Dr. Gottlieb weighing in on just that - how sad he was to hear this coming from a young woman, or from anyone, because she's not alone in her feelings. How people associate downtime with laziness. He mentioned how he makes time for and cherishes moments of space and distance from external influences, where he can actually sit with himself. Doing this, through yoga or meditation, is scary because we are sitting with our feelings and emotions, something we all have some aversion to. We all feel this way, and it's only when we acknowledge that we feel this way, and still proceed in the process, that we begin a shift in awareness. Maybe our priorities begin to change, maybe we surround ourself with new faces, maybe we take some time in the morning to do absolutely nothing, just you with yourself, before we go out into the world.

For me, I've got to keep reminding myself that I'm allowed to slow down. I'm sure it's like this for a lot of people. I've got to keep practicing yoga even when my body feels ok (it took me a while to take this seriously). Yes, it is a choice on my part to take an active role in my body's healing, but along the way I noticed how much I've moved away from my inner child, or truest self, that wants so badly to be more free - away from flying cars on route 30, shouting matches, and ugly negative self talk. So I do my best to be responsible for that child's happiness, my own bliss, when I sit back and just chill in child's pose for, say, oh as long as I like.