ouchies

I wake up in the morning. I sit up slowly, sit on the edge of the bed. I feel stiffness in my lower back. Other areas feel sore from exercise the day before but this pales in comparison. It doesn't register. Only now, thinking away from the situation, do I feel these other little aches. It's the lower back region that immediately grabs me and forces me to stare at it.

I feel people who live with chronic pain are very misunderstood. They might be taken for being selfish, narcissistic even, instead of simply in a great deal of pain. Feeling pain every single day is a blessing and a curse all rolled into one. I've been thinking lately how chronic pain has made for a great deal of depression in my life. Feelings of helplessness, loneliness, unworthiness, and oftentimes feeling suicidal because there is no "end" in sight. Many times desperate attempts have been made to feel relief: a back crack, a neck crack, an alcoholic beverage, sleep, mindless eating, over-exercising, crying and feeling sorry for myself. Most of these actions were taken when I still worked behind a desk, sitting for very long periods of time, which ultimately led to the deepest pain I've ever experienced on a regular basis. There are days now when I feel angry because I don't make a lot of money, and I feel helpless as I remember that I actually can not go back to what I used to do for money: work at a desk 9-5.

Why does this make me feel helpless? The thought process usually goes something like this: I am frustrated because I want to make more money, there is a moment where I ask myself why I feel this way? And this (evil) part of me usually steps in to say, obviously, that this isn't the point - the point is that because of my back I can not work a 9-5 job, even if I wanted to. This makes me feel helpless...and pissed off. At what? My back, the situation, the people who don't take this issue seriously, the overeating I did yesterday because I just didn't care, the car I drive because I have to sit in it, all the people who just don't get it because they don't feel pain on a daily basis, you get the picture.

Do I sound sorry for myself? I kind of am. It's been a long, long time I've been feeling this way. It's become habit. Nowadays I realize this, and then continue to beat myself up for feeling this way - obviously not the solution. Just another mess. I try to be aware that I'm ok, in fact I'm more than ok, it takes a lot for me not to jump on the pity train and go far far away. It's as if being on that train is sort of what helps me to understand. I wish some other people were on the train with me.

I do have people in my life to talk to, but I'd like someone who really gets it, who identifies with the very real issue of chronic pain and the debilitating effects it can cause on a life.

In this moment I am irritated because my back hurts bad as I sit here and write this. I took a yoga class this morning, felt fine immediately following, and now the pain is back.

I know that people can feel quite unsettled when they hear other people complain. I don't want to complain, I want to share, to relate to someone, someone to relate to me. I think I just need to verbalize some deep-set feelings within, I'm not sure people take chronic pain seriously. Our society wants you to just get better. To shut up, and just deal with it. They believe a sickness is temporary, there's a medicine to fix it, a surgery to fix it, right? So strange, this situation to be in, so frustrating. It makes me feel...aloof, alone. Maybe I am unique.

I guess I'll leave it with a quote that runs through my mind almost every day by Ani Difranco:
"Would you prefer the easy way? No? Well ok then don't cry."